We all get angry, and we all argue with the people we love. Arguments can be beneficial. We need to hear another point of view and we need to challenge ourselves to grow and see things from a different perspective. Resentment, however, is never healthy. When you argue with someone you care about, time is not on your side.

We expect a relationship to be a caring, cooperative, pleasing and/or loving union of 2 or more people. It can be a man and a woman, a family, a friendship or a work relationship. A central theme to its success lies in how anger gets communicated and whether or not it turns into the debilitating emotion of resentment. As defined resentment means: “the feeling of displeasure or indignation at something regarded as an injury or insult.”

Anger is a natural emotion. It could occur by being in a traffic jam on Georgia 400, getting frustrated at kids because they are not getting up on time for school, or having a computer problem disrupting a work project. Whatever the cause, it rears its ugly head many times a day. The expression of anger is different from the feeling. Expressed appropriately it is a necessary emotion; expressed inappropriately makes it unhealthy.

Healthy anger is purposeful and allows for you to face the cause, set boundaries for yourself and determine what you need to do in the response. It is not used to punish, intimidate, control or manipulate the other person. It is expressed and discussed to resolve a situation. If it is stuffed down or ignored it becomes resentment. This in turn can create physical, mental and emotional problems.

Review the following scenarios and see how the anger turned into resentment.

1. You have just had an argument with your spouse or significant other. He has laid out some things he is angry about and wants you to change. He is clear in what he is asking and you think you understand his thoughts. You collect your information and formulate a plan. You then begin to put it in action and commit making daily attempts to meet the request. Finally it is complete and you have fulfilled all the criteria. You go back to your spouse and point out all that you have done. You get a few positive words for your hard work, but no behavior change from him. He is not different and he is still harboring the same anger that he had before you made the requested changes. What has gone wrong, you ask yourself? You try to ask him for reasons that he is still angry. He says that he cannot give you an answer except that he cannot let go of some of the things from your past behavior. You try to appropriately explain that the past is over and cannot be changed. You tell him that the need to move on and learn forgiveness as well as be more present oriented is more appropriate. You try with all your patience and communication skills to reason this out. It doesn’t work,

So you go away feeling frustrated and rejected. You start to wonder why you are continuing to try to please him when your efforts are in vain. In essence there is nothing you can do because you have been set up for an impossible task. This is where resentment sets in. You begin to resent all the things you were doing for him and begin to get depressed. You continue doing the things but with each time feel more and more unworthy and begin to give up emotionally. You are in a no win situation.

2. You have just had an argument with your boss. He laid out some concerns about your performance that he wants corrected. You feel that he is picking on you and that he is in inaccurate about his concerns. You don’t tell him that but rather start obsessing in your head about how unfair he is. You call a co-worker to vent and look for support in your feelings. You go home after work and tell your spouse or significant other, hoping to get additional support for your position and continue to think about it for the rest of the night. Days go by and you feel awful at work and begin to become passive about your job duties. Other co-workers notice your behavior and attempt to talk to you about confronting your boss to get this resolved. Resentment is setting in and the situation is in no way improving.

The antidote:

Never never wait on talking to someone about a concern that bothers you. Time is not in your favor here, acting quickly can save a situation from going sour. Pushing feelings down makes it impossible to work through conflict and tends to keep a person trapped. When discussing these issues always make sure you understand the point of view and where that person is coming from. Ask questions. It may sound like this: “If I change my behavior re: ….…will you let go of your anger?”

The result:

Know your bottom line. Will you continue to act in your own best interest or fall prey to another’s unrealistic and unattainable request? Will you continue to try and try despite the un-willingness of your spouse/co-worker, etc to be accepting of your efforts?

Arguments can be beneficial. We need to hear another point of view and we need to challenge ourselves to grow and see things from a different perspective. What we don’t want to happen is to be pulling our weight when the other person is merely on the receiving end. Of course a visit to a counselor can help intervene in relationship disputes and provide some workable ideas towards problem resolution.