A boundary is an invisible line of protection that you draw around yourself. It let’s people know your limits on what they can say and do around you. Healthy boundaries give you freedom in relating to others. If boundaries are too solid walls get erected and you keep people out: if boundaries are too weak it opens you up to get hurt by other's actions. Every individual has to create his or her individual boundaries. Differences may exist because everyone has unique characteristics and personalities. What might be O.K. for one might be unacceptable of another. Firm boundaries will help make life easier, reduce conflict and improve relationships. In addition they are a great self-esteem booster.

Take a few minutes to complete the following short questionnaire and see how well you are in the boundary area. At least it will give you food for thought.

I start statements with “I” rather than “you” or we.” This lets me own what I say and is less defensive than “you” and less ambiguous than “we.”

Yes No

My boundaries are specific and clear. “I don’t accept phone calls after 10PM.” This is not vague or open to interpretation. “Don’t call me too late.”

Yes No

I’m consistent when I create boundaries. If I say “no phone calls after 10PM,” I don’t make exceptions unless the situation is truly exceptional.

Yes No

When people attempt to cross my boundaries, I don’t assume the worst (they don’t care, they weren’t paying attention, they’re selfish and inconsiderate): I simply restate my position.

Yes No

As soon as I realize I’m in a situation that might be headed for trouble, I announce my boundary. “I won’t continue talking with you if your raise your voice at me.”

Yes No

I try to avoid situations and people where I know my boundaries will be continually tested. I try to know my environment.

Yes No

I don’t take responsibility for how others respond to my boundaries. If someone wants to get a resentment because I won’t accept a 10:30PM phone call or because I didn’t wait when she was twenty-minutes late for our appointment, I don’t have to try and make it OK for them.

Yes No

I respect others’ boundaries and ask for clarification when I’m not certain of limits. “How late do you accept phone calls?”

Yes No

When people refuse to respect my boundaries, I walk away rather than get into a situation that could escalate. I say why I’m leaving.

Yes No

I let people know when I have extended a boundary. “It used to be OK for you to be late, but now...”

Yes No

Not everyone can say yes to all of the above answers. At least it opens up an awareness of the benefits of keeping personal boundaries. It is a step in standing up for yourself. Being real, open and honest are really much simpler than trying to be what other people want. Allow yourself to have your boundaries, expect them to be honored and own your own opinions and thoughts. You are worth it.

Barbara Peters is a licensed professional counselor and registered nurse in private practice in Cumming, GA. For more info please visit Barbara’s website at www.bjpcounseling.com